Not what you want, its what you need...

I was raised in a small backwoods "white-wash" church all of my life. Yes, I am a Christian, as is my husband. When we got married, we both had expectations of what married life would be. We thought we'd be forever happy with each other, have babies, and live happily ever after. But, when people say "the first year is the hardest", they are not kidding. Being married has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to face. Its a daily struggle to try and coexist with another human being. I am very independant and stubborn. So is my husband. he was an only child, I was the oldest of three. I had responsibilities early on, he was coddled and spoiled til 21. Needless to say, our views are rarely eye-to-eye. We butt heads on everything finance related, and I struggle with the whole "submissive" thing. Marriage is not easy. Its not a picnic. Its work. And it takes two people working every single day to make it work.

Yesterday was super bowl sunday, and we went to SOUPerbowl sunday at church. The message was on how even in the darkest times and when you feel completely alone, God is always there. The past few months, I have felt isolated and alone in my marriage. I have felt everything but happy. The only happiness I could find was my want for a baby. Now, before you judge me, i didnt say a baby would save my marriage or anything of the sort. The idea of being a mommy thrills my very soul. But, I need my husband for that to be accomplished. I need him to be excited too. I need him to want it as much as i do. We are in different places in our lives, and we have to find a common ground. This weekend, I think I was shown that in order to start a family, we need to be united on all fronts, not divided and constantly undermining each other.

Last night I began researching groups, lessons, books, devotionals....anything that could help me do my part in regaining our happiness. I found the Unveiled Wife blog, and felt like the author was telling my story. I did the first lesson this morning, and it was only one lesson, but a lesson i needed. I know this is a TTC blog, but this is part of it, right? Creating a happy home and uniting mom and dad on the same level to help provide the most loving caring and Godly home a child could ever need? My marriage is in trouble...and I have to fix it before I can ever hope to have a baby...The posts may be in short supply until that time. God bless you ladies and good luck!! I'll update at least once a week. :)

February Baby or Bust!!

So..our month of NTNP is almost over, and im sitting here gulping down chocolate ice cream and Midol thanks to AF showing right on time…and with a vengeance. I mean she came for blood this time around. I cried of course when I realized AF was on the way, and sure enough, yesterday morning it was here. And two women in my office have found out they are now expecting….This journey has been so hard..there are a lot of other factors in my life that make it all that much more stressful, but to see the others around me getting knockedup just by their husband simply looking at them….i want to punch them….and i mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t know why we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Im 22 years old, and it should be easier. Right??? Im mooning over nurseries and baby clothes, day dreaming about big baby bumps and maternity clothes, praying that we will soon have our little miracle and get our chance to be parents. But for now, I’ll mother my furr babies until they cant stand me, have my entire nursery picked out on pinterest, and enjoy my tub of rocky road ice cream…who knows, maybe February we can get Cupid over here to work some of his lovin' magic and get me pregnant. We shall see!

The truth about being a furr mama!

No this is not TTC related, but they are my babies...the only ones i have right now.

Although we are trying to have a baby of our own, i already have 4 furr children. Yes, I said furr children. I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. My oldest dog, Mimi, is a fat oversized rollie pollie pug. She thinks she is a human already, and is completely a mama's girl. I have had her for years, and she is and always will be my first baby. Then, I have my little Australian shepherd Prince. He is new, only 9 weeks old and a ball of energy. He terrorizes Mimi but they have fun together. Then, my two cats: Bear and Niko. They are outside cats, and the love to bring me gifts. Like the other day, Niko brought me a lovely dead bird and left it on my doorstep for my husband to step on. They are just being affectionate. Not everyone gets dead things as gifts!

I love my furrbabies, and they help when I get down and out about not being pregnant. You’d swear Mimi knew what was wrong because around that time of psycho testing, she’s a shadow. She stays right there with me and cuddles with me until I regain some composure about myself and can move forward with my day. I don’t know what I would do without my babies. My husband thinks Im too sensitive and crazy about my pets, but I love them. Next to a child, nothing can love you more unconditionally than an animal. And my babies prove that on a day to day basis. What kind of fur babies do you have??

New Year, New Me!

We spent our new year with great friends, some great food, and great drinks. Knowing Im not pregnant made for a good relaxing holiday weekend. DH and myself spent some well deserved time not doing much of anything...that is, until I saw the Christmas pictures my family had posted. I was mortified. I looked like a cow.

I am 5'11 so i carry a lot of weight well. No one would guess that i weigh as much as I do, but the scales don't lie. I've gained almost 30 pounds since last year. After seeing some holiday photos of myself and not being able to wear my New Years Eve outfit from last year, I decided it was high time I changed before it was too late! I talked to DH and we both agreed we needed to do something to get healthier while we don't have kids and make it a permanent lifestyle choice.

I am doing the GMC diet for the 3rd time, and praying for the same results. I know that if you lose a significant amount of weight, your fertility chances increase dramatically. With this cleanse, you eat as much of the certain foods as you want so you're not hungry, and i did it twice before: first time I lost 24 pounds, the second time i cheated a little and still managed to lose 18 pounds in the 7 days! And since my short-term disability wont cover a pregnancy unless i deliver 10 months after it started ( in my case, i would have to deliver in november) this would be the perfect kick start! Day one is almost over, and i need to get back to my fruit cups. Hope your new years was amazing! First day: all the fruits i could eat except bananas.

**Here's the link if you want to check it out! **

http://www.iimahd.ernet.in/~jajoo/gmdiet.html

Pity Party For One?

OK...here goes my soap box rant for the day.

I want to be happy for people announcing they're pregnant. But 99% of them are stupid kids who "weren't even trying!" or "gonna love this little accidental miracle" with their boyfriend of 6 months or less. I'm bitter. I'm angry. I'm green with envy. I saw FIVE pregnancy announcements yesterday alone! F-I-V-E! (There must be something in the water around here, its getting a little ridiculous.) And the sad thing is, I'm not even that mad for myself. I'm mad for my two best friends who have been trying much much longer than me, who are suffering constant injections and tests and probes going up God knows where to try and find out why they cant have a baby. I'm mad as HELL for those who can take care of a child, desperately want one, and it seems like the most undeserving people are the baby making machines out there. I know life isn't fair, but why?! WHY is it so damn difficult for the people who can and will do everything to take care of their child have to see the people who will throw that baby off on someone else get what they want most? And if you have ever watched "The Great Sperm Race" you know exactly how much of a freak accident that pregnancy must have been. Either they were just getting after it every day, or he has like super sperm...ugh either way its not fair.

Then,in the middle of my breakdown, late last night i get the phone call that my cousin who has been trying for 4 years to have a baby, has had countless miscarriages, and desperately wanted another baby is finally pregnant. and I'm so excited for her...but there's that pang of jealousy i cant seem to get away from....

I'm sorry i have no right to be this angry and jealous..there are people that have been trying WAY longer than me...but my DH doesn't understand why i feel this way. It's not exactly the best way to ring in the new year......hope ya'll are having a better day than i am!

The Great Debate...

OPKs detect Pregnancy???

I have read that OPKs can detect the pregnancy hormone HCG as well. Is it reliable? Eh, probably not. But there have been multiple women who claim that is how they found out they were pregnant. Now, to prevent any confusion, I know that this sounds ridiculous, and if I have OPKs lying around, then I must not have done something right. Well, the truth is, I was planning on waiting til Friday to take another pregger test, knowing that by then I will have a true BFP or a BFN and I can go on my merry way. But while I was cleaning up, I found a box of unopened OPKs in my bathroom and decided what the hell, lets see how this goes.

Now remember: TWO LINES ON AN OPK IS NOT NECESSARILY A POSITIVE. Knowing this, I was still in shock when I saw the two lines appear instantly. The same giddy feeling I imagine I will have when I get my positive HPT but…I know its not valid nor truthful that I am pregnant. It takes anywhere 6-10 days after implantation to occur, then another 3-5 days after it stops to start getting HCG readings. So, that would be Thursday testing. Ya’ll Im not gonna lie, Im nervous. Its like almost reaching the finish line then saying “this is it…its all almost over.” TTC is all I have known for over a year.

Now, I don’t get me wrong, I desperately want a baby. But its like all of the worries I have pushed down since starting are bubbling up in the wake of this possible POSITIVE! I really don’t know how to feel right now. I have no idea how my husband will react. Its going to be an interesting Christmas if this Friday is the day that changes everything. Wish Me luck!!

Could It Be??

Implantation Bleeding??

My normal AF is for lack of a better analogy...like the Red Sea. It is full on mind-blowing cramps, a ridiculous amount of blood, and clots the size of my fist (not really, but they are pretty big). Me and my hubby managed to only "do the deed" twice in my fertile window, and once on the last day because he hurt his back and work and could barely move..so i thought i was out this cycle. But, when my period was supposed to appear, it wasn't the normal heavy flow i'm used to. it was barely there. it has been nothing but spotting since Friday morning. Four days of no cramps, no heavy flow, just barely-there spotting when i go to the bathroom...

Now in the 11 years I've had a period, I have NEVER had this happen. I called an RN friend of mine and asked her what she thought about it. She told me to wait a few days and take a test. If it truly was implantation, i would have a BFP. If not, it was just a freak period and to go on about my day. The month we don't even try, this happens. I don't know how to feel about it honestly. I'm trying not to get excited or anything until i know for sure. I'll definitely post an update, but for now...I'm praying it's the Christmas Miracle we have been waiting for.

**Sorry for the lack of posting, it has been a crazy race-for-the-end of the year at work. I promise to update more now that I have some extra time!**

Very Superstitious...

I’ve been a little bit superstitious since I was a kid. Ever the athlete, I had lucky socks that I would wear for basketball games, lucky underwear (no, not that kind of lucky underwear – I was a kid) that I would wear on the days I had math tests, and a lucky meal of a Pizza Hut personal cheese pizza.

These pseudo-illogical ways disappeared for the most part during college and my twenties. My only momentary lapse was buying a plastic statue of St. Joseph, the patron saint of home and family, and plant him in the ground upside down next to your “for sale” sign. You then say a prayer to him every day for nine days and somehow house should sell more quickly. So, maybe it’s more religious than superstitious, but you get the idea. Anyway, I tried this method to sell our house. And it worked.

And then I started trying to get pregnant.

Since I originally thought it would only take a few months, six max, to get pregnant, I started buying cute unisex onesies, décor for the nursery and other baby belongings. We’d buy our future baby souvenirs while we were on vacation, too.

After 6 months of temping, charting, checking CM and bugging my OBGYN nonstop, I started reverting back to those old superstitious ways, and wondered if buying all the baby stuff was actually inhibiting my ability to get pregnant. So, I went cold turkey and stopped the shopping spree. You would’ve thought I was a heroin addict, I’d get the shakes when I’d pass a Gymboree.

Now that everyone BUT me is knocked up, those baby buying tendencies have started right back up. My girlfriends almost had an intervention with me after one trip to an Outlet Mall – I tore threw Oshkosh B’gosh and Gymboree like there was no tomorrow while visions of my little one danced through my head…


So I had to go into withdrawal once again. But, I have stuck to my guns and haven’t bought any baby-related stuff for more than a year and a half, except for shower gifts for friends, which is incredibly hard to do.

Most recently, I've been adhering to some of the Chinese superstitions. Of course, they wouldn't call them superstitions, they are just things that go along with the Chinese way of thinking. I have rubbed the lion cub on the lioness statues at the front of Buddhist temples, which is supposed to bring you children, and I have started drinking warm water instead of cold water.

Here’s hoping that I’ll have trips to Baby Gap in my near future, or at least the Chinese version of BG. At least once, on every shopping trip, I say to myself, "That's something I will get once we have Little Bean."

What about you? Any superstitions about trying to conceive?

Bird has flown the coop...

The holiday weekend is over, and it's back to normal routines. My hubby hurt his back Wednesday so when I ovulated on Thursday, there was no sexy time for us. And I don't know when we'll be able to again until he's fully recovered. So, I'm probably out for this cycle and the next...goodbye prized Christmas preggers announcement. I want my bubby healthy of course, but I really reslly wanted that special something too.

I spent Friday with my best friend who is also TTC, and she just had an HSG done. She's been trying for two years, and went through injections, medications, and considering an IUI. It makes my situation seem so insignificant. It would honestly kill me to tel her i got pregnant before she did. I really had no idea going into this that it would be so emotionally taxing. Props to all you ladies doing this for YEARS. You are much stronger than I am.

Here we go again...

Last night after that last post, we had what i so lovingly refer to as our "Weekly Quarrel". Like freaking clock-work, we get into a heated argument (9/10 times its around O-day which makes it even harder to convince him we need to go BD) and the night is ruined and whatever sex we do manage to fit in is more like a chore than fun. I love my husband, I do. But i dont have to LIKE him 24/7. We are still considered "newly-weds" and we moved out of the honeymoon phase a LONG time ago. But why is it so difficult to get along with someone? Things go phenomenal for about a week, then we blow up over something and ladies, we all do this:we bring up every little thing that has bothered us since the last fight and it just floods out all at once. My husband H-A-T-E-S that...but i bottle everything up because I do not like confrontation. But I'm very hot-headed at the same time. (I just call it hormones and call it a day...) And last night, my husband told me that it bothers him that most of my friends are 30 year old women from work, and that because they have children, he feels pressured to keep up with them. I told him unless he figured out a way to age a child 7 years in 9 months and get them out of my uterus, we werent in the running with them. Cold feet maybe? I don't know, but it led to a big emotional cry-fest on my part and nothing really getting solved. But of course with the ritual argument comes the best part:make up sex. Hey, we do what we can to get it done! I know this isnt really all about TTC, but its part of it. Being a wife first and foremost and a mommy as well. It's definitely a balancing act that I am trying to figure out before its all on top of me at once.  Hopefully I can figure it out sooner rather than later.

Would probably be a good idea to get back to work rather than sitting here in my office blogging...

Just another Manic Monday

Today was a typical Monday: rushing around all morning, rushed work day, rushing home. Rushing supper for humans and pups alike, rushed shower, and rushing to bed. My morning routine is a well-oiled machine, and today my hubby threw a big sweaty wrench in my gears. Someone decided to "get his rocks off" first thing this morning...before I even had my first cup of coffee! Now, normally I would not oppose to a morning romp, being as we're trying to get knocked up and what not, but this morning I was trying to recover from my full blown turkey coma, and it was not what I wanted this morning. BUT...I have one very amazing husband. And what hubby wants, he gets. And it being DAY ONE of my fertile window made it all ok. Even the left over swimmers I had to deal with the rest of the day were not just unbearable like they normally are. Hey, no one said TTC was pretty folks. You do what you got to do! And as I sit here watching my hubby play with our furr-babies and plan out dinner for tomorrow, and stress over the pile of work waiting on my desk at work, I know it's all worth it. And even though it may not always be pretty or convenient or sanitary sometimes...this is what it takes for me to get my family. I know all of you ladies have been exactly where we are right now...and it makes it a little easier knowing I'm not alone out here...but right now, it's time for some TLC with my hubby!

Peace, Love & Lots of Baby Making!!

Stuffed like a Turkey...

First thanksgiving lunch down, and I'm ready for my nap! I love the holidays, especially when I can get around my family. We all cut up and act silly, and since we got married I miss it that much more. And being around my family makes me want a family of my own. We always joke about how eventually we won't get together at my grandmothers after we all (the grandkids) have babies of our own, but I think we'll always get together on holidays. Or at least that is my hope. Family is THE most important thing, and with everything going on in this world, if you don't have family...you don't have anything. I know, I know. So sappy...but hey the holidays bring it out in me. Now, it's time for a nap! Enjoy the rest of your weekend loves!

"I can always do it myself..."

That, my friends, is the key statement that got my husband up out of his "i'm-too-tired" stupor in the recliner last night and into the bedroom with me. Those six little words flipped the “man-switch” in his brain to make him prove he could do the deed better. Im not even gonna lie, I was extremely in the mood for some lovin’ last night. But my poor hubby was exhausted from work and doing some late house-work. I tried to get him to come join me, but to no avail. I put my dogs up and turned off the lights and before I went to bed I said “If you don’t come back here, I’ll just do it myself.” He looked at me as if I had grown a third leg or something. I just smiled and went towards our room and I heard his feet hit the floor and knew he was right behind me.

The Score is Me: 1 Hubby: 0.

They cant help themselves. As men, they are so competitive, and little statements like the afore mentioned just kick in their cave-man reflexes to prove their worth. Now, I am NOT complaining at all. I got what I wanted out of the deal. But even hubby asked why I was so turned on. Honestly, NO IDEA. Supposedly when we’re ovulating, we naturally “come into heat” like animals do. Hormones start rushing, pheromones start attracting the males, and we get the urge to go forth and multiply. But according to my charts and past cycles, I don’t ovulate until next week. And the facts stand true with me…I’m a wild woman when Im fertile. So, could I have really ovulated early?

Im not one to symptom spot or guestimate on things, but Im not the type to jump my husband unless: A.) Im fertile and ovulating or B.) AF is fixing to show up (because for some reason I feel the need to get one more ride in before my week of celibacy). So why last night and today is this happening? You’re guess is as good as mine at this point. If mother nature has decided to mix things up a bit and deal me an early ovulation…well, good thing we’ve gotten it in beforehand! But i'm going to keep assuming that i'm ovulating around thanksgiving…all this means is a little more “funny business” than usual until either I get my BFP or we get tired of "practicing"….whichever comes first. 

How do you cope when you’re in this situation?

The Turkey Baster Club...

The annual holiday “cheer” is definitely in the air. The weather is turning frigid, Christmas lights are going up, and those of us trying to get knocked up are wishing for Christmas miracles. This year, I happen to be ovulating on Thanksgiving…which means forcing my husband out of his tree stand and into the bedroom. (Easier said than done if your husband is as much of an avid hunter as mine…) 

Now don’t get me wrong, I want to enjoy the holidays with our families. But I also want a baby. and to make a baby, we have to have sex...lots and lots of it, in perfectly synchronized times throughout my fertile window which just happens to be on Turkey Day. "Bah Hum Bug."

See, my whole reasoning behind it being ABSOLUTELY necessary to get pregnant this month is TWO little words: CHRISTMAS ANNOUNCEMENT. I’m the oldest child & grandchild in my family, and my husband is an only child. It would be the best Christmas ever to surprise our families with the news. Granted, some of our family members don’t think we should be trying for a baby. (insert “You’re so young! Why rush it?” comments here) But we are ready to be parents. I have wanted nothing so much in my life and its only been magnified by the fact that EVERY. SINGLE. FEMALE. MAMMAL. AROUND. ME. IS. KNOCKED. UP. Except ME. It might be a good time to mention that I am a very impatient person, and that in being so, TTC has been torture. I’m hoping that these next few weeks either end in a BFP, or I’m just going to give up and wait til after the holidays.


Who am I kidding…TTC is an OBSESSION that will never cease. But for now, Im going to sit here and write out my grocery list for all the holiday cooking, and plot ways to trick my husband into going hunting AFTER making our little Christmas Gift.

When it all started....

Every woman wants a baby at some point. For some, its later in life, after they’ve become financially stable, been married about ten years, and have everything else they could possibly want out of life. For others, it sets in somewhere around college years, and they want nothing more than to settle down and get married and start making babies. That’s where I fall on the spectrum. I met my husband in college, and after we’d been together a whopping year and half, we got married. And, of course, baby fever soon set in. But it wasn’t my fault. Every one around me had their own babies, were pregnant, or were trying to get pregnant. Who was I to be any different? (I tell you, peer pressure is of the devil!) It must be a hormonal shift or something, because I definitely had a bad case of baby on the brain. But, we decided it wasn’t the best time to get pregnant right after we got married, so we decided to wait a few months and then try.

Fast-forward a year: still no baby.

Situations arise beyond your control, and you have to put what you want on the back-burner for a little while longer. My need for a baby went ignored and unacknowledged for a full year, and i had enough of it. I stopped my birth control, I started tracking my cycles thinking “it shouldn’t take more than a month or two, everyone else did this on accident!” That first negative hit me like a ton of bricks. What had i done wrong? We made sure to have sex during my fertile window and on ovulation days, but i wasn’t pregnant. I picked myself up off the floor, and said “Ok, this next cycle will be it!” changed my diet, started being healthier, took prenatal vitamins, charted, temped, sex on the regular….everything by the book. Woke up the day before my expected period, and found that it had come early. I was devastated. I could not understand why I was not pregnant yet. Maybe there was more to this than I thought…

Fast-forward six months: one miscarriage and 5 negative tests...

I learned all about OPK’s and checking CM daily (for those who don’t know what that means, you may be on the wrong blog) and found out my cycles were actually longer than normal, so I had to re-vamp my cycle calculations. Now, its November and closing in on the holidays. Do you know how hard it is to TRY to have sex on holidays, WITH DEER SEASON OPEN AS WELL? For those whose husbands don’t hunt, this will be a cake walk for you. But for those of us who lose our husbands for the next 4 months, it’s a tough one. We are currently trying the SMEP method (link at the end of the post if you are curious about it!!) and I’ll find out the 2nd week in December if its worked. I had no idea TTC would be this tough…but it is. Im 22 years old, and for some reason, having problems getting pregnant. No doctor will see you until you have been trying over a year, so im sticking it out the next 6 months, praying for a holiday miracle at this point. “You’re young…It’ll happen when it’s supposed to…Don’t think about it so much (that’s my favorite…)” these are the things I hear on a day-to-day basis. It’s easier said than done isn’t it ladies? I won’t bore you with my sap story, but know you’re not alone in this journey. It’s TOUGH being a woman who for some reason struggle with doing the ONE thing women were made to do…have babies. I may not know everything, but I know this sucks!

***Link to SMEP method website*** 

http://spermmeetseggplan.com/