Not what you want, its what you need...

I was raised in a small backwoods "white-wash" church all of my life. Yes, I am a Christian, as is my husband. When we got married, we both had expectations of what married life would be. We thought we'd be forever happy with each other, have babies, and live happily ever after. But, when people say "the first year is the hardest", they are not kidding. Being married has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to face. Its a daily struggle to try and coexist with another human being. I am very independant and stubborn. So is my husband. he was an only child, I was the oldest of three. I had responsibilities early on, he was coddled and spoiled til 21. Needless to say, our views are rarely eye-to-eye. We butt heads on everything finance related, and I struggle with the whole "submissive" thing. Marriage is not easy. Its not a picnic. Its work. And it takes two people working every single day to make it work.

Yesterday was super bowl sunday, and we went to SOUPerbowl sunday at church. The message was on how even in the darkest times and when you feel completely alone, God is always there. The past few months, I have felt isolated and alone in my marriage. I have felt everything but happy. The only happiness I could find was my want for a baby. Now, before you judge me, i didnt say a baby would save my marriage or anything of the sort. The idea of being a mommy thrills my very soul. But, I need my husband for that to be accomplished. I need him to be excited too. I need him to want it as much as i do. We are in different places in our lives, and we have to find a common ground. This weekend, I think I was shown that in order to start a family, we need to be united on all fronts, not divided and constantly undermining each other.

Last night I began researching groups, lessons, books, devotionals....anything that could help me do my part in regaining our happiness. I found the Unveiled Wife blog, and felt like the author was telling my story. I did the first lesson this morning, and it was only one lesson, but a lesson i needed. I know this is a TTC blog, but this is part of it, right? Creating a happy home and uniting mom and dad on the same level to help provide the most loving caring and Godly home a child could ever need? My marriage is in trouble...and I have to fix it before I can ever hope to have a baby...The posts may be in short supply until that time. God bless you ladies and good luck!! I'll update at least once a week. :)

February Baby or Bust!!

So..our month of NTNP is almost over, and im sitting here gulping down chocolate ice cream and Midol thanks to AF showing right on time…and with a vengeance. I mean she came for blood this time around. I cried of course when I realized AF was on the way, and sure enough, yesterday morning it was here. And two women in my office have found out they are now expecting….This journey has been so hard..there are a lot of other factors in my life that make it all that much more stressful, but to see the others around me getting knockedup just by their husband simply looking at them….i want to punch them….and i mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t know why we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Im 22 years old, and it should be easier. Right??? Im mooning over nurseries and baby clothes, day dreaming about big baby bumps and maternity clothes, praying that we will soon have our little miracle and get our chance to be parents. But for now, I’ll mother my furr babies until they cant stand me, have my entire nursery picked out on pinterest, and enjoy my tub of rocky road ice cream…who knows, maybe February we can get Cupid over here to work some of his lovin' magic and get me pregnant. We shall see!

The truth about being a furr mama!

No this is not TTC related, but they are my babies...the only ones i have right now.

Although we are trying to have a baby of our own, i already have 4 furr children. Yes, I said furr children. I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. My oldest dog, Mimi, is a fat oversized rollie pollie pug. She thinks she is a human already, and is completely a mama's girl. I have had her for years, and she is and always will be my first baby. Then, I have my little Australian shepherd Prince. He is new, only 9 weeks old and a ball of energy. He terrorizes Mimi but they have fun together. Then, my two cats: Bear and Niko. They are outside cats, and the love to bring me gifts. Like the other day, Niko brought me a lovely dead bird and left it on my doorstep for my husband to step on. They are just being affectionate. Not everyone gets dead things as gifts!

I love my furrbabies, and they help when I get down and out about not being pregnant. You’d swear Mimi knew what was wrong because around that time of psycho testing, she’s a shadow. She stays right there with me and cuddles with me until I regain some composure about myself and can move forward with my day. I don’t know what I would do without my babies. My husband thinks Im too sensitive and crazy about my pets, but I love them. Next to a child, nothing can love you more unconditionally than an animal. And my babies prove that on a day to day basis. What kind of fur babies do you have??

New Year, New Me!

We spent our new year with great friends, some great food, and great drinks. Knowing Im not pregnant made for a good relaxing holiday weekend. DH and myself spent some well deserved time not doing much of anything...that is, until I saw the Christmas pictures my family had posted. I was mortified. I looked like a cow.

I am 5'11 so i carry a lot of weight well. No one would guess that i weigh as much as I do, but the scales don't lie. I've gained almost 30 pounds since last year. After seeing some holiday photos of myself and not being able to wear my New Years Eve outfit from last year, I decided it was high time I changed before it was too late! I talked to DH and we both agreed we needed to do something to get healthier while we don't have kids and make it a permanent lifestyle choice.

I am doing the GMC diet for the 3rd time, and praying for the same results. I know that if you lose a significant amount of weight, your fertility chances increase dramatically. With this cleanse, you eat as much of the certain foods as you want so you're not hungry, and i did it twice before: first time I lost 24 pounds, the second time i cheated a little and still managed to lose 18 pounds in the 7 days! And since my short-term disability wont cover a pregnancy unless i deliver 10 months after it started ( in my case, i would have to deliver in november) this would be the perfect kick start! Day one is almost over, and i need to get back to my fruit cups. Hope your new years was amazing! First day: all the fruits i could eat except bananas.

**Here's the link if you want to check it out! **

http://www.iimahd.ernet.in/~jajoo/gmdiet.html

Pity Party For One?

OK...here goes my soap box rant for the day.

I want to be happy for people announcing they're pregnant. But 99% of them are stupid kids who "weren't even trying!" or "gonna love this little accidental miracle" with their boyfriend of 6 months or less. I'm bitter. I'm angry. I'm green with envy. I saw FIVE pregnancy announcements yesterday alone! F-I-V-E! (There must be something in the water around here, its getting a little ridiculous.) And the sad thing is, I'm not even that mad for myself. I'm mad for my two best friends who have been trying much much longer than me, who are suffering constant injections and tests and probes going up God knows where to try and find out why they cant have a baby. I'm mad as HELL for those who can take care of a child, desperately want one, and it seems like the most undeserving people are the baby making machines out there. I know life isn't fair, but why?! WHY is it so damn difficult for the people who can and will do everything to take care of their child have to see the people who will throw that baby off on someone else get what they want most? And if you have ever watched "The Great Sperm Race" you know exactly how much of a freak accident that pregnancy must have been. Either they were just getting after it every day, or he has like super sperm...ugh either way its not fair.

Then,in the middle of my breakdown, late last night i get the phone call that my cousin who has been trying for 4 years to have a baby, has had countless miscarriages, and desperately wanted another baby is finally pregnant. and I'm so excited for her...but there's that pang of jealousy i cant seem to get away from....

I'm sorry i have no right to be this angry and jealous..there are people that have been trying WAY longer than me...but my DH doesn't understand why i feel this way. It's not exactly the best way to ring in the new year......hope ya'll are having a better day than i am!

The Great Debate...

OPKs detect Pregnancy???

I have read that OPKs can detect the pregnancy hormone HCG as well. Is it reliable? Eh, probably not. But there have been multiple women who claim that is how they found out they were pregnant. Now, to prevent any confusion, I know that this sounds ridiculous, and if I have OPKs lying around, then I must not have done something right. Well, the truth is, I was planning on waiting til Friday to take another pregger test, knowing that by then I will have a true BFP or a BFN and I can go on my merry way. But while I was cleaning up, I found a box of unopened OPKs in my bathroom and decided what the hell, lets see how this goes.

Now remember: TWO LINES ON AN OPK IS NOT NECESSARILY A POSITIVE. Knowing this, I was still in shock when I saw the two lines appear instantly. The same giddy feeling I imagine I will have when I get my positive HPT but…I know its not valid nor truthful that I am pregnant. It takes anywhere 6-10 days after implantation to occur, then another 3-5 days after it stops to start getting HCG readings. So, that would be Thursday testing. Ya’ll Im not gonna lie, Im nervous. Its like almost reaching the finish line then saying “this is it…its all almost over.” TTC is all I have known for over a year.

Now, I don’t get me wrong, I desperately want a baby. But its like all of the worries I have pushed down since starting are bubbling up in the wake of this possible POSITIVE! I really don’t know how to feel right now. I have no idea how my husband will react. Its going to be an interesting Christmas if this Friday is the day that changes everything. Wish Me luck!!

Could It Be??

Implantation Bleeding??

My normal AF is for lack of a better analogy...like the Red Sea. It is full on mind-blowing cramps, a ridiculous amount of blood, and clots the size of my fist (not really, but they are pretty big). Me and my hubby managed to only "do the deed" twice in my fertile window, and once on the last day because he hurt his back and work and could barely move..so i thought i was out this cycle. But, when my period was supposed to appear, it wasn't the normal heavy flow i'm used to. it was barely there. it has been nothing but spotting since Friday morning. Four days of no cramps, no heavy flow, just barely-there spotting when i go to the bathroom...

Now in the 11 years I've had a period, I have NEVER had this happen. I called an RN friend of mine and asked her what she thought about it. She told me to wait a few days and take a test. If it truly was implantation, i would have a BFP. If not, it was just a freak period and to go on about my day. The month we don't even try, this happens. I don't know how to feel about it honestly. I'm trying not to get excited or anything until i know for sure. I'll definitely post an update, but for now...I'm praying it's the Christmas Miracle we have been waiting for.

**Sorry for the lack of posting, it has been a crazy race-for-the-end of the year at work. I promise to update more now that I have some extra time!**